i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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