somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
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I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
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The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.