There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
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I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
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I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts