I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.