Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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