they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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