I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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