Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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