Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
