So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
