Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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