Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
