Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
