my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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