We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
