Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
