So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How does it feel to date your dad?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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