He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
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Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
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Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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