I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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