Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
