How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
