Are we in a gay sports bar?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
