I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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