Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
