What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
