Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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