Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
