do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
