The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
