She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you mean i was at the winter classic?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
