your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
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I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
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At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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