By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
