is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
