you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
