I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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