I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
