I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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