I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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