I seem to have left my pride at pride
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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