how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me