You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me