i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit