my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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