I just saw a hot homeless man
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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