I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
