I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
