I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
