Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize