He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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