I miss vodka workout Fridays
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
