I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
