I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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