God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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