Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
