i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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