The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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