I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There r osticjed everywhere
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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